How to Write a Deceptively Intelligent Movie Review

Of late, I’ve read maybe 20,000 reviews of “The Odyssey”. A couple of years ago, I read 18,000 reviews of Oppenheimer (which Cillian Murphy, the man portraying him, pronounces as ‘Appenhiemer’ in his charming Irish accent).

Reviewing popular movies is the new social media equivalent of flaunting the latest iPhone model. You just gotta do it, or you’re SO NOT IN.

Here are a few words to help you write hot and happening reviews of hot and happening movies so that you can take care of your FOMO (for those who don’t know, that’s Fear Of Missing Out).

FOMO, incidentally, is a good start; use it once or twice in your review. Example: ‘I went to the theatre to watch David Zigber’s new release My Ass, not coz of FOMO, but because I’m a huge fan of David Zigber. And of course, of my ass (hee hee).’ In fact, use lots of currently popular words/phrases/terms, etc.

When reviewing a Bollywood movie, make sure you add this somewhere: A wafer-thin plot. Alternatively, you can write: A plot as elusive as the Himalayan Yeti. Also, when talking of wooden acting, you can get creative and say, ‘Mr. Can’s acting can only be described as an overdressed plank of wood unconvincingly masquerading as an actor’.

When reviewing a regional language movie, always rub Bollywood’s nose in the mud. Say things like, ‘Shocking how Tamil, or Telugu (or whatever) cinema is light years ahead of Bollywood in script, acting, plot, lighting, costume, number of hairs on hero’s moustache, and heroine’s dog’s legs’.

Make the review sound personal. Example: ‘I watched Scorsese’s “The Departed” with my Mausi, who has since departed after forgetfully falling off her bed in her sleep’. Or, ‘My train departed at 4.21 pm today’.

In case you haven’t watched the movie you’re reviewing, not to worry. Just say, ‘I don’t want to reveal too much about the movie since I don’t want to give away spoilers. So let’s talk about the price of popcorn at PVR halls instead.’ 

If an actor’s acting is even passably okay, you must write this: ‘The stand-out feature for me was X’s nuanced performance’ even if you don’t know nuanced performance from your ass, sorry, elbow.

If you’re reviewing a movie from countries like Serbia, Korea, Zimbabwe, Timbuktu, etc., then this is your big chance to act knowledgeable. Say things like, ‘The director who is known for majestic, magical films like “Great Balls of Fire” and “Ummagumma” has created what is undoubtedly going to be remembered as his magnum opus’. No one will know you’re lying; they’ll just be so impressed by your cinematic knowledge.

If the director is well known and the movie is popular, act like you’re the director’s biggest fan on earth. And have watched every one of their 600 movies. Eg: ‘I’ve been watching all of Christopher Nolan’s films since I was six months old, and I must say that “Oppenheimer” (or Appenhiemer) is hands down his best’.

And lastly, even if 25,000 reviews of a movie exist, don’t let that stop you from posting your review of the movie. When everyone and their aunt are flooding the Internet (and literally chewing our brains) with reviews, why shouldn’t you too? In fact, the fairest thing would be to have 8 billion (or whatever the world’s population is) reviews of every movie ever made.